There were a lot of reactions to the new Outlook from Microsoft. They were mostly favorable. So I decided to take a look at it in court.
We did not get far. Actually we didn’t get anywhere. Partly because we were drunk out of our minds, but mostly because the minute we went to www.outlook.com, we met this guy -
Yes, the sign-in guy.
He is like those people who greet you when you enter shops, only several magnitudes more disturbing.
Why is he even there? What is his purpose? Is he supposed to be erotic? Soothing? Comforting? Welcoming? Beckoning? All of the above?
I wonder is this is supposed to be the new version of the old ‘office assistant’. Is that thing making a comeback?
It is true what they say! Evil can never be suppressed for long!
*Shudder*
A n y w a y…
Microsoft has issued no clarifications, so I choose to make my own guesses based on reactions to the dude when he popped up on the giant screen in front of several rather wasted Lords and Ladies.
“Hello Clarice…”
 - Lord White
Hello to you too Hannibal Lector. What else do you say to a strange man smiling at you from a random corner?
Isn’t that the Modus Operandi of all serial killers?
They lie in wait, right where you don’t expect them. Then they lull you into a false sense of security by appearing harmless. They usually have a calm grin, to say, “Oh I am totally harmless. I am just a guy sitting here with my smile,” and then, before you know it, they POUNCE!
Please Microsoft. I just want to sign into my email. Please. Just let me sign in and go. I won’t tell the cops. I won’t tell anybody! Just let me go! Please!
“Photographer and color palette sitting in a tree. K.I S.S.I.N.G”
 - Lord Agarius
Orange chair, blue jacket, orange glasses, green laptop, yellow book, red cups. So…many…colors! Why?
Are those the illegitimate offspring of some union? Are those friends and relatives who just snuck in because the color palette is bumping nasties with the boss?
Hey, it gets lonely in those studios. There are lots of long dark nights and no company. Things happen. Don’t judge!
Although, I personally suspect that the color palette was probably some kind of mafia boss. It granted the photographer some ‘favor’ on the day of its daughter’s wedding and now it called in those chips. It kinda makes sense.
You know how it is. A little here, some understanding there, and before you know it your neck deep in the ‘business’, you are surrounded by ‘partners’ and there is no escape.
Even if you have no idea how that feels I am sure the photographer does.
“It’s young Bill Gates at the moment he decided to screw Steve Jobs over.”
 - Lord Gold
The resemblance is uncanny, at least to us in court. Think about it. Just give his hair a make-over and shove on some orange glasses and it’s him. Not a doubt.
This could be Microsoft’s attempt to hark back to the glory days, when they were pirates and plundered Silicon Valley. When they showed the MAN and screwed over that young Steve Jobs fella by stealing his OS.
You know, back in the glory days, before they got totally zuned in front of a vast vista of Apple rolling around in piles of cash.
And they want us to know it as well.
I can almost imagine it. A few people in a board meeting. The door opens. A head ducks out and yells – “Quick! Find a young Bill Gates clone and click a picture of him with a “I am going to totally screw you” grin. Now!”
“Er…are the intentions of that nerd…noble?”
 - Lady Spain
I very much doubt it.
After all, isn’t this nerd, making such sensuous eye contact and leaning suggestively on one elbow, openly offering his loving services to all asunder?
Certainly looks like it.
The picture would be great for a nerd dating website – Nerd ‘n’ Love or something like that.
Now I have nothing against nerds. I am one. But this nerd’s apparent iron-strong commitment to his cause of totally doing everyone and everything seems…worrisome.
Just look at his unflinching eye contact. He WANTS you. He NEEDS you. NOW!
Once that feeling enters you, like ice cubes into your underwear, feel free to run. Fast. And don’t look back.
And the number one reaction I got from the weird multi-color freak on the Outlook login page is…
*drum roll*
“Meh…I would fuck that”
 - Lady Green
Errrrr….I got nothing. Apparently she is going through a dry spell.
Or something.
And just FYI – That was WTMI. WAY too much information.
Just saying.
